You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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