You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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