You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
