Swine flu. Run for my life!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize