You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
