Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
