Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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