I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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