im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
