Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
