I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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