i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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