I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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