So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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