Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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