she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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