So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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