I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
