Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
