My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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