I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
