you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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