it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
