My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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