I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
