He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
