I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We are two peas in an std pod
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
