So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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