New low: just hacked my moms facebook
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
