who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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