Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
