I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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