I wish I could teleport
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
