I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
