I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
