I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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