He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
