you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
