Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
