Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
