is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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