I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
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