So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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