i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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