i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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