So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
