I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Randomize
