if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
