im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize