Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
