i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
