The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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