Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
