textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
