sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize