then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
