guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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