my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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