She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
