Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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