He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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