Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
